tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13911607978823520112012-02-11T11:05:32.090-08:00journey of the amazement of Him...Jaenoreply@blogger.comBlogger241100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-34827344277564120292009-08-27T18:23:00.000-07:002009-08-27T18:50:06.920-07:00

Richard asked me a very long time ago what has become a reoccurring question in my life. "What do you want?" Back then it took me 3 days to answer the question. I was in the middle of a terrible marriage, trying my best to make it survive, to will it to survive. And clueless as to what I wanted. The only answer I could come up with was "I want peace and tranquility.""That's a good thing" Richard

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-45164344405982731352009-08-21T19:50:00.001-07:002009-08-21T20:04:00.076-07:00

He's a blessing. An important person who sees my struggles. He has the courage to ask the hard questions and allows me to not know the answers. He said to me the other day "Sometimes the important things are things we don't say..."The light bulb went off when he asked 'why?' Why do you do that? Ugh. "I don't know..." Its in not knowing, its sometimes the things we don't say that the answers

Jaenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-42568545153464185202009-08-16T19:00:00.000-07:002009-08-16T19:45:19.553-07:00

I decided that my knee would just have to bear up to some exercise. Its been a billion years, okay, maybe not a billion but a long time since I've been able to get any good cardio going since falling at work and doing some major stuff to my left knee. Seeing how the lawyers say it could be years until my case goes to court and I get the knee scoped, I started walking on the campus at least 2.5 mi

Jaenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-39662110800312960822009-08-10T10:13:00.000-07:002009-08-10T10:26:03.312-07:00

Remember in the movie, Indiana Jones, the first one, where that big stone ball comes rolling down and he's running to not be totally smashed by it, where he's running like crazy and just as its fixin to get him, he jumps?Thats where I've been lately. Feeling God pressing down on me because He loves me and is teaching me to not get smashed. I have no one to blame but myself. Its at the end of the

Jaenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-28628235434208433352009-08-08T13:35:00.000-07:002009-08-08T13:57:55.497-07:00

I love working for a Christian university for the simple fact of what we're exposed to. I find myself absorbing all the experiences that many of the kids here do. The cool thing is being able to do it with a 51 year old brain rather than that of when I was here, going to school, with my 19 year old brain. Ah...the amazing beauty of maturity and life experiences.ACU is so different than it was

Jaenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-13299015098651465262009-08-07T21:01:00.000-07:002009-08-08T06:54:49.384-07:00

Therapy. Life sometimes calls for it. I've been in it for a really long time. What a blessing it has been to sit in dark, painful places with a gentle therapist and just be who I was at the time. It was a journey God knew I couldn't go my myself so He provided exactly the man I needed.But such as God does, things changed, time for being with him had come to a close. And the realization that God

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-87825325187398125272009-07-29T01:32:00.000-07:002009-07-29T13:14:44.600-07:00

Living in survival mode robs you. Survival forces you to concentrate on nothing else but, well, surviving. It will rob you of the ability to not only express emotions but it keeps you in a place that has lots of secrets. I'm learning secrets aren't good. Hiding with your secrets with no emotions is for sure not a healthy place to live.Surrounding yourself with safe people is huge in the process

Jaenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-53899828038301090822009-07-26T11:09:00.000-07:002009-07-26T11:21:48.575-07:00

I held my breath as I waited. I'd just confessed I couldn't do 1 through 10. I've tried my whole life. It was expected. It was often demanded. And realizing I couldn't do it was brought crystal clear.I was waiting to see what He'd say in response to my proclamation that I can't do one through ten! So we sat in silence. Its hard to wait and know what was coming next. He started with a whisper. "

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-22239080609773423802009-07-24T03:59:00.000-07:002009-07-24T04:26:45.747-07:00

I didn't see it coming. When your consumed and immersed in pain and grief you get to thinking that "this" is how things always will be. The past year has been one of deep pain and the journey almost too much. In my heart, I knew God would never forsake me, but I also knew He knew that there were places I had to go. I never questioned God's love and for sure trusted Him to bring me out of it.

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-46046805566208142752009-07-20T17:39:00.000-07:002009-07-20T18:23:48.852-07:00

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." ~~ Martin Luther KingThis quote made me realize that I always want to see the whole staircase. Thing is, God always remains stuck to His plan, and works His plan. First steps for me these days are baby steps. Learning what it feels like to be patient with myself is new too.I'm learning to:* Be okay with not seeing the

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-8315938727717023712009-07-18T14:44:00.000-07:002009-07-20T09:08:48.529-07:00

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." ~C.S. LewisPain. The drug manufacturers make billions a year producing remedies for it, lives are destroyed by numbing out to escape it, the Enemy used it to tempt Christ, and Jesus himself asked God to remove it. Pain sucks.

Jaenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-70665951179186716682009-07-17T17:02:00.000-07:002009-07-18T08:05:36.959-07:00

I've been on sabbatical. God's choosing not mine as I went kicking and screaming. The clear message was "heal from the land of your marriage". Okay, I got it. But, man, was it hard, challenging, faith building. And excruciatingly painful.It started so innocently. A friend called saying her ex (a mirror of my ex) was getting remarried. I asked what her plans were for that weekend. I cautioned her

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-3786746410027114372009-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:002009-07-07T19:48:07.838-07:00

It comes down to the bottom line. I can say its the sugar, I can say its the divorce, I can point to lots of things that bring me back to the issues with my weight and food. But the bottom line, the real issue(s) lay in the same place the answers are....in between my ears. In my head. The big picture is to ask the hard questions of why? I've found that the answers are many, with them all having

Jaenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-46114315080598105632009-07-06T16:36:00.000-07:002009-07-06T18:25:02.548-07:00

It was a crash and burn. The glaringly apparent connection of sugar and carbs to the quality of my life, the weight issues and my mental health. It took a spiral into depression and panic attacks for me to connect the dots of how my brain reacts to sugar. God led me to a book that explained it all. I had the classic symptoms of sugar sensitivity and began a new outlook towards foods, carbs and

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-65062921404136097722009-07-05T11:35:00.000-07:002009-07-05T11:59:38.248-07:00

I was raised by parental units who did the absolute best they could to feed four kids. My mom struggled her whole life with depression, anxiety and ... um, anger. A typical meal in my home was cornbread with pinto beans, fried cutlets and mashed potatoes, roast and potatoes on Sundays from the crock pot and hotdogs on Saturday nights.It was a diet high in carbs and starches, low in fresh fruits

Jaenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-29932918187472678542009-07-01T19:11:00.001-07:002009-07-01T19:11:46.702-07:00

Some days I just need a laugh...Ellen always does it for me! You gotta watch!

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-90701557249143399792009-06-30T20:31:00.000-07:002009-07-06T16:34:48.732-07:00

I go to New Church. And let me tell you how wonderful it is to go to New Church, to praise my New God with my New Brain. One of the most awesome things about New Church is the New Class I get to attend. It's led by one of my kinda guys. Dry sense of humor, always quick to see the irony in God's handiwork and so he thought it'd be cool to study Joseph. I was, most likely, 7 or 8 years old the last

Jaenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-23377219238431356472009-06-28T06:38:00.000-07:002009-07-06T16:34:10.983-07:00

I call it my God Space. That wonderful, time-suspending place where everything stands still. It's a place of quiet tranquility I desperately need so often in my life.The Art. In all the myriad of places God has taken me to heal, this, the artwork, has come as a sweet surprise. Years ago, as a small child, I loved to draw. I was drawn to drawing. I can remember in 1st grade, the teacher asking us

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-27328483619068136842009-06-27T19:04:00.000-07:002009-06-27T20:06:32.410-07:00

I hate this place. Being here. The fact that I admit "hating" anything is itself a victory. By the time you reach the age of 50 you know yourself really well, or at least you should. And what I'm not is an angry person with hate. I'm someone who loves to laugh, to feel joy and thrill at seeing things other people don't see. But hate? Hate is a foreign, uncharted country in my world. I hate being

Jaenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-38220457733219955472009-06-26T23:08:00.000-07:002009-06-27T08:29:41.743-07:00

“Peace is not something you can force on anything or anyone… much less upon one’s own mind. It is like trying to quiet the ocean by pressing upon the waves. Sanity lies in somehow opening to the chaos, allowing anxiety, moving deeply into the tumult, diving into the waves, where underneath, within, peace simply is.” — Gerald MayTherein was the challenge. The quest for peace and tranquility when

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-58185457953815162152009-06-23T20:45:00.000-07:002009-06-24T06:40:39.810-07:00

I had a kid that, like most kids age 5, would tell everything he knew. "Hey, Bryan, what'd you get me for Christmas...and every time, he'd tell! At that age, ask 'em anything, and they'll tell you. My mom would say, "he tells you a lot of things you already know and a bunch of things you wish you didn't!"But on a serious note, there are things I wish I didn't know. Things like what it is to

Jaenoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-40117700828762351412009-06-21T06:19:00.000-07:002009-06-21T06:49:43.687-07:00

There is a boomerang effect to my life these days. The past 6 weeks have been ones of grief, anger, and trying to get some sort of equilibrium in my life. I've found words that label what I have been experiencing. The problem was my apparent inability, no, my choice to engage in a relationship with my ex that so clearly is destructive to my mental, emotional and spiritual health. I've leaned on

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-56667992663960088062009-05-27T11:33:00.000-07:002009-06-21T06:49:14.016-07:00

As you now know, I've started a new blog. My old one will always be part of my journey. This one I hope to have a different, more transparent aspect. One of the drawbacks of posting on Living in Balance was the fact that my ex husband, Steve, read it. I concluded early on that in order to express what I believe God was asking me to write, I had to have a place to be completely, 100% myself.So,

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1391160797882352011.post-34649010014714271892009-05-25T05:56:00.000-07:002009-06-21T06:48:09.692-07:00

There comes a time when we all stand at the fork in the road and decide that we'll meet God on His terms or we won't. I've stood in that place a couple of times in my life and I'm there now.Some of us have a pattern of self abuse. I'm one of those kinda people. Maybe we all self abuse in some way or another. My cycle of abuse has been in relationships. Whether my relationship with food, or

Jaenoreply@blogger.com0