It'll be okay...

I hate this place. Being here. The fact that I admit "hating" anything is itself a victory. By the time you reach the age of 50 you know yourself really well, or at least you should. And what I'm not is an angry person with hate. I'm someone who loves to laugh, to feel joy and thrill at seeing things other people don't see. But hate? Hate is a foreign, uncharted country in my world. I hate being in this place. However, its where I am and I fight fearlessly to not run away from it.

Just to be clear, I hate no one. But have become angry, not bitter, not sad, but angry. I'm at a place where God is loving me so much He's forcing me to still process the relationship with Steve, the almost thirty years we had together, and the fact that God is holding me back and forcing me to FACE what I've put off for years. I hate the fact that I'm posting about the divorce. I hate the fact that I come here to work through the complexity of divorce, sexual addiction and narcissism. Like I said, I don't do hate. Raised in the church that spouts hate is sinful. Oh and so is his sister, anger. I suspect Anger will soon be here.

My hope is for the day that I come here and not one single word is spoken about the divorce. However, I see how unrealistic that is. How much my immaturity is showing when I want to run as fast as I can through the pain and to the brilliant light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

Its hard to not offer an apology, to not say "I'm sorry" for you coming here and read that she's still talking about the divorce. So...I hate being here. And I'm sorry.

Which brings me back to the promise I made to be honest here in the safe place of God Moves Mountains. It may not be what I want to talk about, it certainly doesn't feel good, but I can tell you that I've got to do this God's way. For my whole life, Jo Ann's way didn't work, and sticking to His plan is the only option. Right now His plan is to process the divorce until the process is finished. To be okay with that. To accept the fact that THIS is the way it has to be done. I love and trust God knows whats best for me. "This" process is His, not mine. So for a while the journey won't have nice words and and butterflies. I appreciate your patience as I process the lessons. For a while, they'll be uncomfortable subjects as hate, anger, betrayal and grief. Things so foreign to me. But a promise is a promise.

"Father, I'll go where you want me to go, embrace what You ask me to embrace, and heal as YOU have determined is best for me." My heart tells me God's okay that I hate for a season. His responses? "It's okay, Sissy".

God is good...God says "It'll be okay..."